Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
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