i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
i need some magic done to my vagina
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
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