I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
i walked into the first stall,, but there was no paper, so i'm in the other one. a little kid is in the one without paper now and is making a lot of noise. curious how this'll turn out for him.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
Randomize
