I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
I convinced her san diego was a state. all the proof I needed was saying, why do they call it san diego state university?
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
Just fucked my roommate on the first night of our 12 month lease. 2010 will be awkward.
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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