is your mom at the bar?
I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
