Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
she smelled like a LAN party
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
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