Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
youre always welcome to strip dance on tables with me Mag. what are friends for.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
Randomize
