Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
Randomize
