You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
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