He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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