Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
Randomize
