I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Randomize
