omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
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