new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
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