Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
Randomize
