Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
that's the type of pussy you go to the bathroom and wack off before you fuck her, just to last longer inside of her!
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
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