I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
The forest. Magic mushrooms. Wind trees leaves sky. That is alll.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
Randomize
