sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
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