I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
Wow anytime a scalper has i need tix written on the back of a franzia box thats a trusted seller
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
Randomize
