Btw I've read that book you bought me...And I'm such a bitch now
But I don't think guys love me
In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
let's skip the party, and just play drunken wii, again. its time to give my vag a break.
you went around and groping mens pants to see "which was worthy" of you to go home with.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
Randomize
