Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
