if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
I think we might need a safe word for this...
Randomize
