does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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