My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
yah I made NO friends last night. at one point i think i replaced talking with spitting
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Randomize
