I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
Randomize
