If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
Also do the "tongue the pee-hole" thing.
if i found out she had a dick after i got head, does that still make me gay?
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
