How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
my girls lil sis wanted to play hide & seek. she told her 2 go hide. we went to the room and had sex. she was hiding under the bed.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
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