My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
My last google search was 'bulk asian wives' I don't know either
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Randomize
