i am NOT doing that with my feet, or any part of my body
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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