The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
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