im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
My bed smells like the plague
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
Randomize
