I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
