i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
I'll accept that I'm a woo girl. Just not the drunk cowboy hat wearing bar mongering twat bag type
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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