In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
Randomize
