Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
Skipping class. Wanna Drink now?
yea. just give me 15 min to write a paper.
Randomize
