You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
Randomize
