Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
I stole a fireplace last night.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
Randomize
