Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
