I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
Randomize
