Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Randomize
