Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
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