I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
