afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
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