he puts the penis in happiness.
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
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