i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
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