Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
of course we have a beer bong
how else would we feed our christmas tree
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
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