I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
I think I am morally bankrupt
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
Randomize
