The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
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