I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
her fupa was seducing me. this is the last time i'm doing shrooms.
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
