Swine flu. Run for my life!
i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
Nothing ended up happening last night because he couldn't get my overalls or fanny pack off. I woke up this morning with one strap over my overall shorts on, my fanny pack wrapped around my chest, and the baby doll still tied to my hand. Ugh white trash parties!
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
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