using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
Randomize
