so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
I'm with Tony. He said he volunteers his ball sack for waxing but you will have to wait a few weeks. It is a freshly shaved sack. I guess he thought he was gonna get lucky. Wtf?
Smooth sack
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
Randomize
